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A wise man once said nothing.
I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.