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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?