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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic