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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
There`s no WE in pizza.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?