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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.