Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Being alive is so expensive.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."