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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.