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My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
Real friends show me their boobs
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....