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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me