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Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat