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How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you