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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
I think I may be getting harder to love.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.