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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
My body needs a refresh button.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`