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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues