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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
Never squat with your spurs on
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.