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If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.