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I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.