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I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
You can`t be late until you show up
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.