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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"