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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.