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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.