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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?