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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"