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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.