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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”