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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.