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I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.