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life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.