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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.