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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!