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I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally