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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.