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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
I was told there would be kool-aid.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.