Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I just called. To say. I texted you.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.