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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
“I saw that.” -Karma
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.