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At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
Does this status update make me look fat?
Somedays I could do without the life lesson
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands