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I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now Iām drunk.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D