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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"