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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
My inner self is in Photoshop
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.