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When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.