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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"