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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.