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I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever