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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.