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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?