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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel