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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.