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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time