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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.