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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while Iām awake to maintain my yearly average.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook