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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.