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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her