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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.