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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.