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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.