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Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.