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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.