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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.