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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.