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Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you